a college graduate.
CONFESSION TIME!
That's actually kind of shocking, I know. Let me tell you, in all honesty a very big part of me wants to go against everything I ever said I would do with my education and just not finish. Is it because I'm getting married? Sort of. Not really. I've been thinking about this a lot this past month and I realized something about myself. All the majors I've tossed around in my head, all the plans to graduate with this degree and go on to graduate school earning that masters degree, it all came down to one thing:
I want to get married and raise my family amongst the poor and the lost. First, I will go to college because that is what I am supposed to do, and whatever degree I get will just help me in someway to better raise my family amongst the poor and lost and serve Jesus.
Seriously....I went in as a bio major..cause I guess some medical training would help. Then I switched to philosophy because I guess it will help me to understand others, now I wonder if I should switch to psychology because I guess I could go on to get my masters in counseling...and that will help me love others better? Medical training would help. Philosophy does expand and challenge my ideas and perceptions of others. Counseling would be a beneficial skill. I guess my big question is this, are these lessons worth the commitment of my time, the stress on my life, and especially the tuition that parents and I will pay? Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love learning. I don't love college. I know that it doesn't have anything to do with the college I'm at. For the major I'm currently in, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. But should I be paying money and time to learn what I'm learning?
A few weeks ago I read one of those little bio's about someone inspirational on the back of a Doritos bag (haha). Some girl went to china for fun after graduating high school and she was so moved by the orphans she encountered in some city that she took all of her savings, bought an acre of land and built a home for orphans. She was 18 and never moved back to the states or went to college and to this day has helped over 700 orphans find a home and a family. I mean what the hell, Why am I in college? When I read that I felt seriously frustrated, and it happened in the middle of an already troubled month of doubts, depression, and anxiety. I feel myself asking daily 'Why am I here?' Why am I writing this paper? Why am I attending this class?' I'm waking up in the middle of the night to cry, or not even falling asleep in the first place. And here's something that will for sure upset my parents. I haven't been to class in about 2 weeks. I can't pull myself out of bed because of the depression.
What am I to do? I'm praying for guidance through my tears and uncertainty and desperately trying to lean not on my own understanding. I still have the same thoughts...
Would I regret dropping out of college?
Is this the birth control talking?
Is this a sign of my calling or a sign of my laziness?
Do I really need a college degree in order to live the most fulfilling life I can?
How disappointed will my parents be? Would they ever forgive me or understand?
Will people just write this off as a mistake made by a girl who got married 'too young'?
Will I really be able to practically support a life with Brent in the states?
Can I still be successful without a degree or any valuable($$$) talents?
What is my purpose?
Those of you who read this are probably wondering what I would do with my time if I quit college. I'd work my butt off somewhere so that Brent and I could move to Haiti or wherever God directs us as soon as possible. I seriously just want to be a wife and a mom to as many kids as I can in Haiti, in India, wherever. I want to read at my own pace to educate myself and live a life open to the most important lessons of all. I guess my feelings are that college might be wasting my time, that I am here for the people not the education, and that this might not be what I am supposed to be doing.
On the flip side, my responsibility it to be obedient to God wherever I am. I am finding this VERY difficult (hence the skipping class and the procrastinating on papers and readings.) A friend reminded me that I need to finish strong and go on registering on wednesday for next semester as if I am going to finish completely. I need to continue to seriously pray about this. Who knows, God could reveal His plan for me which includes dropping out and doing missions a lot sooner than expected. Or He could whip me into shape and tell me to press on and be a light in whatever department I'm in at Texas State.
Nevertheless, I am blind to the future as I have always been. I am crying my eyes out at night thinking about what could be, what should be, and what is, but I am still without answer. Let God. Let Him answer me on his own time. Meanwhile, if you have some words, any advice, I'd love to hear it. I desperately need truth spoken into my life at this time.
Claire dear,
ReplyDeleteI know that feeling - wanting to hop on a plane this instant to go love on people who are hurting. Of being confused, and depressed, and wondering where all this is going.
I don't know what your story is supposed to look like. But I do know a good friend/mentor of mine were talking about something similar the other day. We talked about how my worries & fears about the future. And one thing she tells me a lot is that the opposite of love isn't hate, it's fear. And since perfect love casts out fear, when fear is present, it just means we need more loving - and by that she just means to bask in God's love more. I really like that. I don't think she's saying that we don't already believe God loves us or anything, but that we let His love take over the fears. We saturate ourselves in His love.
I don't have the answers you want, but I guess my encouragement is to intentionally take a lot of time of just being with Him not praying about the future, but letting Him love on you.
:)
Hey Clarie,
ReplyDeleteThis touched my heart, I have been reading your blog lately and it has made me realize how much I just want to help others and create art and teach and help others with art.
I have wondered so much lately why I am here at Baylor, a school I can't pay for and have so much debt already and its only been a year. I wonder how I will ever get a job to pay off all the money I owe and I wonder why I am taking classes I don't need but have to because they are required for graduation.
So many times I just want to drop out but something holds me back and after reading this I feel something tugging at my heart I don't know which way my heart is being tugged but it is.
I know you have so much love in your heart and a desire to live a full and incredible life and you will no matter what you decide to do just follow God take some time just you and him don't think about what others want or expect you to do life is too short so live and love.
I miss you so much lovely girl I hope you are doing well.
Love always,
Katie Vasquez
Claire,
ReplyDeleteHi, it's steph (from Italy). I read your blog the other day and I haven't been able to get it out of my head. I understand your frustration with college and your desires to save the world and feeling like there's so much to be done right now.
I tried several majors, starting as an accountant and ending as a dance/psychology teacher. I wanted to do accounting so I could be wealthy and single handedly use my wealth to save Honduras. But I didn't LOVE it... or even like it. After several prayers and several majors I found dance and then psychology. Once in my major I loved school. The Lord led me to Psychology and I feel that it has blessed me more than I could have chosen for myself!
Psychology is something I've grown to LOVE! It has helped me work with the sad lives of the children I work with as well as dealing with my own need to want to help everyone. I no longer feel as useless as I did before, though I still wish I could do more. My dream is to get married and move to a third world country and work with children. So I totally understand you're desire to raise a family in Haiti! I'm still working on that, but I find that I'm also helping my students I have now is also very important.
I'm sorry that it has affected you so much to keep you from getting out of bed. It hurts my heart and I hope that you find something that brings you joy. You are in my prayers.
friend,
ReplyDeletea few things to say to you...
1. questioning our purpose is a totally normal part of the path in college. i don't know many college graduates who went through without a period of questioning and doubt. and wondering what is the purpose of it all. I understand what it's like to love learning but hate the process of school. I felt like that for all of college.
2. God has given you the desires in your heart... and also, in time, He will fulfill them. One thing I've been learning and seeing more and more is that often, that path, is much longer, much more drawn out, much less straightforward than we would hope. But in the end, He will fulfill the desires He's put within us in far bigger and better ways than we could have imagined. But sometimes that means taking paths we wouldn't have normally taken, and doing tasks (school) we don't really enjoy.
3. Sometimes, God puts us on paths, like college, not necessarily because we'll use the actual exact degree we get, but because it's necessary in his molding us into the person he wants us to be. Perseverance. Patience. Trust. Time management. Even if we can't see his purpose in it.
4. Seek Him. Continue to seek Him. And seek Him more. Whether His answer comes in a day or in a year, continue to seek Him...
5. I challenge you to continue to try and do your best with where God has put you. If you are meant to be elsewhere, pray that He might open that door. But until then, for now, He has put you in college. Work at it with all your heart - leaning on His strength each day. Because you have the hope that even though you can't see it now, He has GREAT purpose for you - wherever and whenever that may be - whether that means doing seemingly pointless tasks for the next 20 years as he conforms you into the beautiful woman he wants you to be and only then fulfilling your desires, or if it means giving you an opportunity within the next year to jump into Haiti.
I don't know. But seek Him, even amidst the silence. Seek Him that His will be done. I love you girl!!
lauren