a college graduate.
CONFESSION TIME!
That's actually kind of shocking, I know. Let me tell you, in all honesty a very big part of me wants to go against everything I ever said I would do with my education and just not finish. Is it because I'm getting married? Sort of. Not really. I've been thinking about this a lot this past month and I realized something about myself. All the majors I've tossed around in my head, all the plans to graduate with this degree and go on to graduate school earning that masters degree, it all came down to one thing:
I want to get married and raise my family amongst the poor and the lost. First, I will go to college because that is what I am supposed to do, and whatever degree I get will just help me in someway to better raise my family amongst the poor and lost and serve Jesus.
Seriously....I went in as a bio major..cause I guess some medical training would help. Then I switched to philosophy because I guess it will help me to understand others, now I wonder if I should switch to psychology because I guess I could go on to get my masters in counseling...and that will help me love others better? Medical training would help. Philosophy does expand and challenge my ideas and perceptions of others. Counseling would be a beneficial skill. I guess my big question is this, are these lessons worth the commitment of my time, the stress on my life, and especially the tuition that parents and I will pay? Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love learning. I don't love college. I know that it doesn't have anything to do with the college I'm at. For the major I'm currently in, I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. But should I be paying money and time to learn what I'm learning?
A few weeks ago I read one of those little bio's about someone inspirational on the back of a Doritos bag (haha). Some girl went to china for fun after graduating high school and she was so moved by the orphans she encountered in some city that she took all of her savings, bought an acre of land and built a home for orphans. She was 18 and never moved back to the states or went to college and to this day has helped over 700 orphans find a home and a family. I mean what the hell, Why am I in college? When I read that I felt seriously frustrated, and it happened in the middle of an already troubled month of doubts, depression, and anxiety. I feel myself asking daily 'Why am I here?' Why am I writing this paper? Why am I attending this class?' I'm waking up in the middle of the night to cry, or not even falling asleep in the first place. And here's something that will for sure upset my parents. I haven't been to class in about 2 weeks. I can't pull myself out of bed because of the depression.
What am I to do? I'm praying for guidance through my tears and uncertainty and desperately trying to lean not on my own understanding. I still have the same thoughts...
Would I regret dropping out of college?
Is this the birth control talking?
Is this a sign of my calling or a sign of my laziness?
Do I really need a college degree in order to live the most fulfilling life I can?
How disappointed will my parents be? Would they ever forgive me or understand?
Will people just write this off as a mistake made by a girl who got married 'too young'?
Will I really be able to practically support a life with Brent in the states?
Can I still be successful without a degree or any valuable($$$) talents?
What is my purpose?
Those of you who read this are probably wondering what I would do with my time if I quit college. I'd work my butt off somewhere so that Brent and I could move to Haiti or wherever God directs us as soon as possible. I seriously just want to be a wife and a mom to as many kids as I can in Haiti, in India, wherever. I want to read at my own pace to educate myself and live a life open to the most important lessons of all. I guess my feelings are that college might be wasting my time, that I am here for the people not the education, and that this might not be what I am supposed to be doing.
On the flip side, my responsibility it to be obedient to God wherever I am. I am finding this VERY difficult (hence the skipping class and the procrastinating on papers and readings.) A friend reminded me that I need to finish strong and go on registering on wednesday for next semester as if I am going to finish completely. I need to continue to seriously pray about this. Who knows, God could reveal His plan for me which includes dropping out and doing missions a lot sooner than expected. Or He could whip me into shape and tell me to press on and be a light in whatever department I'm in at Texas State.
Nevertheless, I am blind to the future as I have always been. I am crying my eyes out at night thinking about what could be, what should be, and what is, but I am still without answer. Let God. Let Him answer me on his own time. Meanwhile, if you have some words, any advice, I'd love to hear it. I desperately need truth spoken into my life at this time.
